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Threesomes, according to a 2015 study, are men’s third most popular fantasy—following voyeurism and specific fetishes (e.g., feet). But there’s a wide gap between thinking about threesomes and actually having them, says Paul Joannides, Psy. Despite what you might have gleaned from the Internet, porn, or rumors you heard in college, the percentage of heterosexual men and women who say they’ve had one hovers around eight percent.

Public sex, getting it on with their current partner exclusively, and relishing their submissive side.

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Let's be real: “Threesomes have the potential to change a relationship forever,” says sex therapist Vanessa Marin.

Things can get uncomfortable, fast, if you don’t have a solid footing in your relationship, aren’t clear on why you’re doing this to begin with, or didn’t take the time to get on the same page with your partner (and your third wheel).

And remember, there’s no going back after you witness your partner with someone else, she adds.

Before you even begin to look for a third wheel, you need to be crystal clear with yourself—and your partner—about why you want to have a threesome in the first place, Joannides says.

Do you both share a fantasy you feel safe exploring together?

Are you equally comfortable with trying something new?Or is one of you doing it just to please the other—or attempt to rescue a southward-bound relationship?Clarifying why you want to participate in a threesome not only helps you find the right people to pair up with, but it can also help you feel more grounded going into the endeavor—thus less likely to feel badly if things don’t pan out as you’d hoped, Joannides says.If you’re doing it only for your partner’s pleasure or even to spice up a stale romance, stop right there, he adds.If issues are already present in your relationship, a threesome could make them worse.(Plus, there are numerous ways couples can switch up their love-making without roping in the complexity of another person.)It’s almost impossible not to, at some point during a threesome, feel pangs of jealousy, Marin points out.

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